Understanding the ‘drop’

It first happened a little over ten years ago.

The night air was cool as I walked down the broken concrete pathway to the hills hoist, washing basket piled high with damp clothes. As I pegged each sock, skirt or shirt to the thin wire line I looked up into the ink black sky pock-marked with stars. We had been learning about astrology at school. They said that the universe went on forever. Forever. Never ending, forever. How could all my world be such a tiny spec in the whole grand concept of the universe, this entity that went on forever. I stared out into the all-consuming blackness and I felt something drop. As if my heart had suddenly lost grip and free-fallen into my stomach. Perhaps it was a realisation of my own mortality, a sudden need for life purpose or even a resignation to the futility of life. At eleven years old, it terrified me.

In the twelve years since I have been learning to recognise it and then push it far away. I know the triggers now: a vivid night sky; a moment of happiness; talk of what happens after death; seeing pictures of the earth from space. However, recently I have been trying to learn to accept the drop, to understand it better. I have been letting it run its course. Instead of turning on the television or distracting my thoughts with a book I’m trying to just sit and listen to whatever it is that’s going on in my head.

This is really hard to explain and for most of my life I have been too afraid of talking about it because it means experiencing the feeling all over. Nevertheless, I wonder if anyone out there has a semblance of an understanding as to what I mean, or know the feeling themselves…..